I have been pondering forgiveness the last several weeks. For those of you who don't know my family, my thoughts may seem a bit odd. But please hang in there... I am planning on filling in the details of my past in future posts.
Because of the situation with my parents, my thoughts have run the gamut of how I should respond from completely cutting them off from myself and my family (not that there is any relationship to cut off, you understand) to keeping things status quo and allowing them to stay abreast of my family activities through periodical updates and pictures that I choose to send them and cards for various holidays and special days. It has been a chore to figure out how to continue to "forgive" them when they don't even recognize that they have done so many things to offend and deliberately hurt me.
Should I expect an apology or some kind of recognition for the pain they have caused before I extend my forgiveness?
As a child, I was taught the proper formula for apologizing. This was not an option. This formula was mandated if we were to be forgiven. "Sorry" or "I'm sorry" was not good enough. We had to say "I am sorry FOR... [spell out the offense]." But it didn't stop there.... at the end of our detailed apology we had to ask "Will you please forgive me?" Verbatim. If we didn't go through each of those steps, it was not good enough.
Since this was drummed into my head, it crossed over into so many areas of my life as I have been able to see myself as an adult and how I respond to others. It affects my relationship with God and how I confess my sin, how I respond to my husband when he offends me, and especially now, how I am trying to deal with the situation with my parents.
For me, God was always a hard-nosed, unforgiving God... it was impossible to please Him. He was never satisfied and would never forgive or love me because I just couldn't live up to His standards and perform up to His expectations. I'll get into that story in a later post.
In my marriage, Jeremy and I don't usually have fights or disagreements anymore (at least not the violent kind); but when we have one of our rare spats and he's in the wrong (because he usually is), I can't move on until I hear the words "I'm sorry" proceed from his mouth. I am not someone who likes to drag things out and just hang onto the problem for days on end while we "work through the issues". I have to resolve it quickly because it plagues my heart and my mind.. but Jeremy has always been one to dismiss it and try to ignore it for as long as possible and "Just let it go, babe". But I can't. I HAVE to hear him say he's sorry.. it has to be those specific words. Otherwise, I can't believe that he actually means it or that he respects me or whatever it is my emotions are telling me at that specific time.
And now, with my parents, I am at a loss. I spoke with a good friend of mine who has been counseling me since I moved away from California to escape my parents and she reminded me of some things last night.
All of us know 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."
This kind of forgiveness and love I can certainly work on fostering with my husband... because I DO love him. He is a good man. An imperfect man, absolutely... but still a good man who loves me and doesn't deliberately try to upset me or offend me.
Regarding my parents, I am provoked by them. I don't believe the best about them... and I am certainly tired of enduring all things from them. How does this apply to my situation?
Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins."
Again... love. As much as I do not want to admit it, I do love my parents. I have hated my parents... I have hated what they have done to me. I have hated how they have treated me and persisted in trying to force me to "repent" of things that I haven't done or "recant" things that are true. How do I know I love them? It still hurts. I cry over it. I ache over the loss. If it didn't hurt, I would be free of love. My love can cover their stupidity despite the fact that they haven't asked for forgiveness. I should just do it.
That doesn't mean that I have to continue to open myself up for attack. Based on this last interaction with my parents, I may not continue to send updates. I haven't decided, yet; but the possibility is there that continuing contact may not be the correct course at this time. That doesn't mean that "no contact" means forever... but at least for this next step, it may be proper. I am still praying that God will give me peace about whatever decision He wants me to make concerning this situation. But one thing I do know for certain... I CAN FORGIVE. Can you?
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Wow Wendy...I have some of the same issues with my family. However, it isn't my parents, its my extended family...aunt's and cousins specifically. One thing I will say about forgiveness is it takes time and a lot of prayer to get to that place where you can let it go.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I had Lailani I was super angry at her father because he was so mean and nasty to me when I decided to have her...not that I decided it was the only option. Anyway, I still had to deal with him regardless of if I wanted to or not because he's Lani's dad. So there was very little time to heal and come back to it again. The Lord however did give my grace and spoke to me about it not being about me but about Lani that was the issue...and kinda once I took myself out of the equation it made it easier to forgive him...also he isn't a believer which help me pity his relationship with God and his daughter. I will say though regardless of his unsaved status it took me about 8 years to get to a place where he didn't affect me anymore...and now we can speak to each other on behalf of Lani and that's a great place to be.